Friday, 24 August 2018

Looking Only Ahead

I am writing this on my wedding anniversary, although it will be a few days before I publish it on the blog, due to that I like spacing posts a little.

It would have been my thirteenth wedding anniversary if I had not split with my ex husband some sixteen months ago. I am obviously not celebrating my marriage to an ex so today should have been pretty much a normal day for me. In fact I was at work till the afternoon and had an appointment straight afterwards, followed by some time with my precious kid. All in all, a standard day. Except for one detail. It is the day I decided to move on. I am changing the meaning of the date and from now on shall regard the 21st of August as the day I left my past behind. I am unable to photoshop the scars that are by now deeply embedded in my soul but just like tattoos are the permanent marks that we choose to portray who we are, the physical and mental scars are the marks that we don't choose yet still shape who we are.

Unfortunately I can't program my mind to cancel all the flashbacks that periodically haunt my days, but I can easily try to block them when they come instead of dwell on them. I cannot rewind the years I lost fumbling around in a limbo but I can at least opt to remind myself that now I am out of it and it will never become my home again.

I am still single, struggling on one pay and not even sure of who I am after being moulded by someone else for so long that I am still slowly chipping away at the layers of unwanted opinions that made me stop singing, become embarrassed of my accent when I switch to the Italian language and question all my choices if they disagree with those of the people around me. I mentioned only three of a multitude of things that never were for years. I wanted to move to another country, make a tattoo and take up drawing again. I wanted time to discover outings as a family, take my son to Legoland and host a yearly party for friends. I would have liked to do up my home in a rustic or vintage cosy look and invite people over for tea of an afternoon.

I spent too long hurting about the time lost caring for and cultivating something that was never meant to be and better ended. Instead I decided today that to look back will never work as I could still do all the things I wanted in the future instead, and I am only wasting more hours on unworthy thoughts when I dwell on what was. So from this year on, the 21st of August has a new meaning. It is the rebirth of the new me. I will stop myself when I think of the singing lessons I stopped and instead switch on YouTube and sing along. I will go on the holiday that I craved, alone or with people dear to me, instead of remembering how many times it was postponed in the past or was marred by bad memories the times it actually arrived.

All in all, I will live today and for the future, never looking back at the past except in order to avoid the same mistakes.

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