Saturday, 9 July 2016

Chasing Dreams and Staying Put Without Them!

I've been gone for over a week, which is not an ideal in my mind, and yet I would rather that and be mentally sane still than try to catch up with all the things I can't realistically do at the same time.

I thought long and hard about what this post should be about. I've been writing up notes for a review that explores not only a film and a book but also the differences, good and bad, between them. However it is not ready yet so it will have to wait until I have some decent time to dedicate to it. I also thought of doing the next photo and description in The 'I love' Series and trust my favoured item (digital weighing scales with sentimental value) to die on me and end up in the garbage bag instead of featured on here. Yes, you read that right... an item with sentimental value that still found its way out of my life once it could not serve me any longer. Did I mind? Well, I did mind that it won't work any more as it was a useful thing and looked good and had a story behind it to boot. But what's the use of a tile-sized glass plate sitting on my bathroom floor, teasing me about how I'll never know whether I've put on some more weight (I really should get myself together and limit the amount of junk I'm eating as quick fixes to hunger).

So if I can't present my awesome review and I can't show you my now-not-so-awesome scales, why am I still here? I decided to write instead about what's on my mind. As I said, I've not been around to the usual schedule purely because I keep running out of time in order to get everything done. By the time my son's in bed for the night I'm usually already nodding off from exhaustion (and the heat doesn't help especially when I've had to drive or get a bus in the afternoon horrific flaming hot hours, which tiredness funnily enough accompanies me through the rest of the day.)

Now lately my life has been on high gear, maybe too high a gear really, and I was functioning on that kind of momentum that keeps you going when you think you should be following your dreams, you can do anything and be anyone you want to be, blablabla. Well, it seems to be all b******t if I may say so. No, I haven't given up on the stuff I love, on being the best wife and mum I can be, or on any other thing in my life. But to try and get it all done without being realistic is the worse form of torture you can put yourself through. So I found myself juggling more than I can handle (truly, I can juggle only two balls at a time and it seems in line with how in real life I can't multitask).

So I stopped for some time (two hours to be exact) to just be, by myself, and cleared my mind. It was a process I'd started a few days before when I made myself see that I couldn't try to do all the things I'd committed myself to and that regardless of the fact that I would have to face the music when I said 'no' to something or someone, I should still go ahead and do it. Because sleeping too little won't do. And having a six-year-old point out that 'you were not even listening to me at any point today' won't do when you know he's right. And being with my little family matters, matters more than any money or anything else in the world (yes, including that DVD collection) can ever mean to me.

Unfortunately some things are still beyond my control. Some things that are pressing hard on both my heart and my mind, crushing me at the same time that I refuse to submit to them. People too - the kind that I lately realised are actually bullies and which are beyond my control to stop them trying to crush my spirit. You can stand up to bullies, and that I am doing, but sometimes all that does is make them more furious with you and try to beat you (figuratively in this case) even harder.

So you see, I was away because I've been forcing myself to sleep enough, to eat something even when the appetite is gone or more chores are beckoning at meal-times. I've been kept busy by laundry, trying to keep a sane house with our mad and weird working schedule, and even more frustrating hospital visits that seem to lead me nowhere in my quest to regaining normal function in my knee. I've been saved from writing elaborate entries twice in June - first by featuring Chris Evans' birthday and then that of Sam Claflin. I also just realised how this year I totally missed the anniversary of Hugh Grant's arrest on Sunset Boulevard and never even referred to it on social media. Because that is what exhaustion does to you - it makes you forget what would otherwise be important to you or interesting at the least.

To whoever suggests to always forge on and follow your dreams, I must add to that statement that we must always check our limitations too. Oh yes dreams are for overcoming those limitations, for spreading our wings and riding far above the limits imposed on ourselves. But to ignore the fact that health (physical and mental both) as well as family and close friends should not be put aside in our quest for greatness (or in my case perfection), can only lead to disaster. Believe me, I always tumble and fall before coming to terms with reality and then being so much happier accepting it than when I'm ploughing on trying to prove I can do it all. So some dreams we achieve and others remain just that, some things turn out perfect and some we should love just as they are. Some nights we need to sleep early to regain our strength and others are made for staying up sipping wine. It's 22:37 and the wet laundry sitting in the chest is beckoning, reminding me that however hard we try, sometimes sleeping enough or sipping wine will have to wait their turn. In fact, it's only the laundry that's consistent and steadfast in its presence in one's life!

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